On January 28th, Fox hosted the most important presidential debate so far. It gave republican candidates one last chance to present their stance on today’s most pressing issues, before the first primary election. Instead, they ignored most issues and stuck to what they’re best at – personal insults, parodies, finger pointing and empty promises.

The candidates prepared some of their most obnoxious, underhanded insults for the one opponent who wasn’t there to reply, which completely defeats the purpose of a debate. Ironically, by the end of it all, Trump was the only republican not criticized for numerous contradictions, false claims and/or inappropriate statements. It seems that the winner is obvious. Donald Trump came out on top days before the debate took place, by announcing that he won’t show up for it.

Introductory Trump Comments

The audience was really taken aback when Jeb Bush started his greeting with “I miss Trump. He’s like a little teddy bear to me.” No one knows what Bush meant, but we are positive that he is now looking for new joke writers.

Rubio’s “I’m happy he [Trump] isn’t here” comment was uncharacteristically direct and honest, though his facial expression didn’t exactly indicate glee. Instead, Rubio cringed like he was half-way into completing the Lemon Challenge.

The most memorable introduction came from Ted Cruz, who performed a mediocre Trump impression. Right after greeting the audience, Cruz suddenly changed his voice and said this:

“Let me say that I’m a maniac and everyone here is stupid, ugly and fat. And Ben – you’re a horrible surgeon”.

To be fair, we must admit – the parody was both entertaining and a fair summary of Trump’s political platform. Unfortunately for him, after this comedic performance, Cruz is about as likely to become president as he is to win the next “American Idol”. As for the upcoming Iowa primary, many conservatives won’t vote for him due to this stunt. Typical Republican voters don’t want a president who mocks political opponents with funny accents and personal insults. Do you?

 

Jeb & Ted ‘Agree’ on Immigration

Though supporting deportation would allow Jeb Bush to gain mass popularity with Iowa’s prominently conservative audience, no one can win the presidency without securing a significant amount of Hispanic votes. To get a head start, Bush promised a way for illegal immigrants who are already in the U.S. to become American citizens. However, his rating fell just before the primaries and most republican voters support mass deportation. So, when immigration came up, Bush simply lied.

And right when he said “they should have a path to legal status”, Ted Cruz interrupted with “you used to support a path to citizenship, not ‘legal status’. You changed your position!” Being a seasoned politician, Bush avoided the subject, while pointing the finger right back at Cruz with a calm “So did you.”

Bush referred to Cruz’s strong support of a bill to legalize millions of immigrants, during his time in the Senate. Now he claimed to be strictly pro-deportation, essentially doing the same thing he called Bush out on. Of course, Cruiz also an experienced political speaker, so he managed to change the topic without saying a single word about his “change of heart”.

 

Carson’s Bloopers

Ben Carson used his parting statement to say something everyone can agree on – he literally recited the Preamble of the U.S. Constitution. Carson deserves respect for staying above the insults and facing questions head-on. That being said, he should probably have recited another historic document instead of answering the host’s question on dealing with Putin’s aggression in Europe. Somehow, he packed three contradictions into a single sentence.

I think we ought to give Ukraine offensive weapons and I think we ought to fight them on the economic basis because Putin is a one-horse country: oil and energy. And we ought to fight them on that level.

Sorry Ben, but the U.S. is already providing weapon shipments to Ukraine, oil and energy are two different “horses”, and Putin isn’t a country.